If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
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If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*