ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
You Might Also Like
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
A wise man once said nothing.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.