Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
You Might Also Like
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.