Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
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Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
This kinda thing happens to me often
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”