Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
You Might Also Like
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
cats when you pet them too long:
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.