Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
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There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*