40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
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best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.