What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
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my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I only treason on days ending in y
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape