Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
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Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Everyone’s family
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.