babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
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Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
*aggressively waits in line*
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!