Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
You Might Also Like
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Based Erika
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.