Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
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[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Safety first
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Only short people can save us
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Taking phone security to the next level.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot