romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
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Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.