Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
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My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin