Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
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Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Feels like there should be a middle ground
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you