(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
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I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.