“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
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Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
12653.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.