priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
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For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.