Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
You Might Also Like
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Meow?
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this