count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
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Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”