robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
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I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
My favorite female superhero
another case of gang violins
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.