Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
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me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Tell the colonel to bring it
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
This probably isn’t good
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
fixed it
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.