I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
You Might Also Like
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
The answer is funnier than the question
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas