ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
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Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Brother?
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
lmao
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.