when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
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My favorite female superhero
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.