Breakfast for Stoners:
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Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.