Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
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And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200