Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
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*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
liiiiiiiiike
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Life hack
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.