daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
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You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
No chill.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge