It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
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A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors