People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
You Might Also Like
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign