Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
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they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
The Punning Dead.