I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
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Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Good boy 😂😂