My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
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[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
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a
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Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense