I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
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Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Thanks to a fan for this one.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.