Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
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Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
some Old Testament wisdom
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods