Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
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[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂