Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
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TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
🤣✨#caturday
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.