[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
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Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….