This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
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This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
🍛
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica