*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
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When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Herpes is trending, good job people
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs