This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
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Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom