Omg 🤣
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Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.