*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
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Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf