dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
You Might Also Like
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Yes, this is exactly right
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.