Europe. Made in Germany.
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Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.