Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
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After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.