Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
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ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Great Canadian literature.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse