I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
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I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.