Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
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I always eat the whole pizza cause I don鈥檛 like to half love anything.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I鈥檓 over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy鈥檚 wine.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 馃崵
If Die Hard isn鈥檛 a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That鈥檚 Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.